I don’t know about y’all, but I’m tired. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of feeling burnt out. Tired of just going through the motions of life.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. In fact, it was a very discouraging day, one that left me feeling like I’m not good at one of the things God has called me to do. And I cried about it, and I prayed, and I wondered why.
Why did God allow this to happen? Why did He allow me to have a brain riddled with ADHD and anxiety and an inability to focus without feeling extremely overwhelmed? Why can’t I just be normal or function normally? Why am I such a burden to my friends around me who are forced to help me because I can’t function normally? These are all things I wondered yesterday to God (and to a good friend of mine who was there to hold me while I cried).
Most days, I don’t let these things get me down. Most days, I’ll be doing okay and I can shake it off. Not yesterday. Yesterday I cried and melted down and allowed myself to feel discouraged for a bit.
But by the end of the day, when I prayed with that same friend on the phone before we went to sleep, I couldn’t feel discouraged anymore. Because when I’m tired, I know my Father gives me rest.
Even in the thick of my negative emotions yesterday, when I felt despondent and wondered why God “wasn’t helping me feel better”, I know He was. And I know He is.
Lamentations 3:21-24 says, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him’.” (If you read my last blog post, you know that I quoted this verse in that too, but it’s a good one, okay?)
This morning, when I woke up, I already felt much better. I felt a new resolve that today was going to be a better day because God is in control and I can rest in that. He will work all things together for my good and I can rest in that. He loves me with a steadfast and unchanging love and I can rest in that.
Allowing Him to restore my soul so that I can continue to have this great hope that I hold in Him requires nothing of me except to let go. I’ve been listening to a song pretty much on repeat lately called “The Gospel is Rest” by Elias Dummer and there’s a line in it that goes “Lord, You took the world upon Your shoulders/ Now all I have to do is put it down”.
Jesus says “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Love is not an everlasting performance in which one attempts to retain the attention of someone else, but rather a release of control, of putting faith into them and trusting them to choose you no matter what you have to offer. To love God and to be loved by Him is to rest.
To open your hands in surrender to Him and allow Him work through you when you feel like you have nothing left is rest. Because guess what? Jesus knows the worst about you. He knows that you have nothing to offer Him besides your life, which, when compared to His glory and holiness is nothing.
And yet, He is the One Who loves you the most and He is the One Who will use you in spite of you. Rest in that.
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